Guys I genuinely and totally liked sums up to four.
One was during my elementary years who I never got to talk to for the longest time. I still do, want to catch-up, I mean. He was a good friend, after all. Second was a guy from the university I was secretly crushing on for four freaking years and accidentally revealed it to him through a major stupidity when graduation was near. I never got to apologize about that thing that happened. Third was also a guy from the university who I totally got obsessed with, not the stalker-level though, but I was almost a psycho texter. I know that’s embarrassing. And so much for this confession, finally, a guy from the university who I happen to argue with a lot. It will be anticlimactic, I guess, if I am going to say that no one of the aforementioned reciprocated. I believe, as of press time, they are currently in relationships –and honestly, I am happy for them. At least, someone in this world found love.
Well, I’m 21 now. I think it’s about time to embrace the inevitable. I think.
Early in Life
You know back in 5th or 6th grade in English or Filipino class where we were asked to write free-verse poetry and essay. Our teacher would then ask the student with the best composition to read it in front of the class. Then the students who would volunteer to read their poetry or something will get pluses in their scores. The class will cheer on someone to read his/her writing to get the latest info on who’s in love with who. The student under the spotlight will be squirming on his/her seat but he/she is actually preparing for the best way to deliver his/her piece. But I think the whole show was just a lame excuse for crush-related confessions. My classmates shared how the glances of their crushes made their hearts skip a beat. They narrated stories about how their puppy love evolved into a relatively serious talk through letters and unprecedented recess meet-ups, and their respective crushes were either in the other section or in the same class.
I, on the other hand, did not touch that topic. It never even occurred to me to write about my crushes and reveal them in front of the class. Even though, love topics were very tempting to deal with because they command the whole attention of the class, and I was an attention-hogger, I dismissed the idea of being all too emotional and cheesy. This was not because I never liked any boy in my batch, I actually did. Exactly the reason why I avoided the humiliation and the awkwardness that await any tragic revelation –and I was 12, for crying out loud. I did not want to experience any traumatizing poetry reading and regret it for the rest of my life. And so, I wrote about dreams and ambitions. How boring and indulgent.
High School and Text
The average age of girls going on their first date is 13, at least according to one website on parenting that I stumbled upon. In the Philippines, this age falls on freshman year in high school. When I was 13, I already had a cool mobile phone. At 14, I started getting higher grades as opposed to my pathetic academic standing during my elementary years. At 15, I had my first taste of 15 minutes of fame with VJ Utt, as he was UTTering my name in the sexiest way possible on MTV Start back in 2003. I was also hooked in college basketball that was UAAP. I was a consistent member of the honor society. I started writing for the school paper. I was participating in school theater productions. I was losing a heck of a weight. I was on a roll. But come break time, whenever my classmates were scramming to check their mobile phones for text messages from their crushes –I was at the corner looking down at my empty phone with intact prepaid credits. Not that I was complaining, but P500 a month was not the amount you would want to waste. I did.
College and Last Chance for a First Innocent Date
I was demented. This time, I had all the audacity to sulk about how unfair life was. The insecurity of being unattractive or not mainstream pretty plagued me every single day. I asked my friends and orgmates all sorts of questions: Is there anything wrong with me? Am I pretty, am I not? Am I too fat? Am I intimidating? Am I a bitch when it comes to guys? Why don’t I have a boyfriend, or screw it, why don’t I get asked out?
I became bitter without a valid reason. I loathed relationships. Even though I was still a sucker for Western sitcoms and chick-flicks that always sensationalize dating and lip-locking, I screamed LIE in front of the set. The little hope I have for love diminished by the day, even though my brothers were almost counting a decade of being together with their girlfriends. I totally blamed my lack of love and dates to my being fat, my pug nose, my tan and my attitude. I am/was a hater of chinita-toothpicks –the world of Kim Chius and Heart Evangelistas and Angel Locsins and occasional Katrina Halilis. I sulked at one corner and dreamed that one day, I will be model-thin and be loaded. I will totally get back to the guys who, in their own little ways, rejected me of some sort. I decided I will focus on my career, work my ass off for that house and that car. I accepted the possibility of growing old alone. Hence, the emptiness.
My Dating Belief
Me and my twisted perspective.
I believe in dating the person you genuinely like to get to know. I do not believe in dating when it is just hooking-up and then disappearing in each other’s lives in a snap. I do not believe in dating when it all comes to, well, sleeping together. It has to have, I hate to say this but, a perfect timing. Like it was it meant to happen and not shoved upon one’s throat. I want to gain a little something from that get-together and not leave anyone hanging on. And well, I believe in a monogamous relationship, because no one can ever replace someone when the right person is right there. Just to be clear, I do want to date, but only if this person likes me and not just for ‘filling-in’ friday nights or something. I do want to date, but only if this person does not take me for someone who is in desperate need of a date. I do want to date, but if only this person can be a friend –even if it does not go further than that.
I know, it is quite vague –knowing if the person is right for you, but I guess you just feel it. Like there would not be a far more important person in your life, but that someone. That someone you will fall over and over again everyday and never get tired of doing so. That someone will still knock you off your feet whenever he says he misses you, even after a decade of being together. That someone you want to talk to even if you two got into a huge fight. That someone will always be beautiful in your eyes even when she looks crappy at the end of the day or that guy will never ever look ugly in his pambahay for you. That someone will never gross out even if you fart in front of him/her or even if you pooped your pants. That someone you will never ran out of patience and understanding. That someone who will be your reason to work harder, who will inspire you every step of the way. That someone who will always be there for you, no matter what. That someone will never judge you for what you love and will never stop you from reaching for your dreams. That someone loves you and no one else.
Some say I am a perfectionist. Some say I expect too much. Some say that someone only exists in movies or in novels and I am this hopeless nut case totally influenced by Western culture. But I truly believe, that someone is not the dream guy. That someone is the right one.
To all those in a relationship: Take time to say I Love You to your partners. You have no idea how much that means to the person you are with.
To those single and torn: The right person will come along. That’s a fact.
And to You: We may have met, we may have not. But I assure you, the moment we see each other –we’ll know.