Given today is my last day at work, I didn’t have the energy to write. But when I received this going-away-present from my colleague, I figured, yes, there are more things to be thankful for–like new friends and one hell of an experience in a new country.
Since my number of travels abroad dwindled when this year started, and considering all other difficulties I encountered, I have already judged my 2011 as a year of struggle–okay, it sucked. I’d be a hypocrite if I’d say ‘what if’ didn’t hit me in the face once, twice, a couple of times. I couldn’t help but to think that maybe I should not have challenged myself to pursue bigger things early at this point in my career. But I had to make a choice–it’s either I settle with what seemed like a perfect set-up for starting out or chase after what I have been dreaming of since I was 10. I had to choose. It may not be the wisest move to some, but the decision seemed right that time.
Well, so far, something went wrong along the way and things didn’t turn out as planned. I felt dejected during the last couple of weeks, seeking opportunities that I would be able to thrive in. I received rejections everyday, even worse, no replies at all; I knew being turned down is quite a slap in the face, but I didn’t know it was this hard. But I kept on going–sending out CVs, and presenting myself the best way I could. Then, I realized, “Daiiiim girl, you are touuugh!” because with every application, rejection is possible, but I kept on sending anyway. With every rejection, came strength. I took these letters as a sign that, perhaps, I have to be somewhere else. I am just not the one they are looking for.
With every rejection, came acceptance. Ironically, I valued my skills more. I wasn’t confident with my abilities before I got here; but I learned that when everything else fails, all you have is yourself and that is something that one should be grateful for. Not only that, but I have my family, I have good friends, I have a home, I have my blog, and I have my values and principles to hold on to.
Deep inside, I am still hoping things will work out for me, at least before my time is up. But I am ready to fly out and take time off to soul-search. I should rehabilitate my spending (although I got to say, I’ve been doing pretty well in that area!), finish my Master’s degree, start my languages-review, and bring music back in my life. I am not going home defeated, I am going home as a stronger and more fierce self.