They say no one should dwell on ‘regret’; decisions made or mistakes committed in the past turn someone into the person that s/he is today. Yeah, that pretty much is a valid argument. But that only applies when s/he is pretty satisfied with s/he is today, now doesn’t it? To me though, if there’s one thing I regret, that is wanting to grow up too fast. Now that I’m almost hitting my quarter-life (please let it not be half-life), I wish I were more carefree–and open to any possibilities. Things could have different. Or not.
I think this wallowing started when I watched ‘Angus, Thongs, and Perfect Snogging’. For some reason, I watched Georgia Nicolson in the light of her parents’ eyes, or let’s say big sister because I really want to stop thinking that I’m getting older. ‘What’s the hurry of growing up so fast?’ Georgia’s dad tells her the morning she accidentally shaved off her left brow. Georgia was petulant in wanting to mature; that was enough for me to swim in my own musings up until today, when I only have some 12 hours more before the numbers go up.
I was around six, yes, my parents can testify; they stared at my reflection, bemused, rather freaked out when I donned my Mom’s dark sunglasses, slung her leather purse on my shoulder, slipped on her high heels, held my father’s mobile phone to my ear and pretended I was talking to someone in gibber English, while sashaying towards the dresser. Perhaps, I watched way too much TV that I thought power and beauty come with the whole package. It wasn’t until I finally looked like that (only a lot curvier hah!) that I felt empty and inordinately incompetent.
I tried everything that could make me that person. Singing, acting. When I got tired of attending rehearsals, I started reading. I tried to photograph, tried to write, tried to direct school productions, constantly played with my mom’s makeup, wore high heels to school–I was pretty wrapped up in living the ‘sophisticated and glamorous city girl’ that I did not know what it was like to care about the actual life experience. I was so caught up with trying to learn skill after skill that I completely forgot the importance of ‘deepening’ them. Yeah, I can do a lot of things but there are more people out there who are gods of their respective craft. And that–for lack of a better term–sucks. I am extremely lucky that I wasn’t forced to grow up early–become the breadwinner of the family, or something to that effect–my media exposure really got to me. I wish I went out more.
But then again from this experience, I have learned that no matter how much I bury my face in books or join skills-based workshops, etc. I will never know everything. I will never be wiser than everyone else. I will never be perfect. And you know what, I also learned that it’s okay.
Cheers to y’all celebrating their birthdays. May you live everyday as young and vibrant as when you were six 🙂