Monthly Archives: February 2014

The Longest 10 Days of My Life | Part 2 (A Year After)

Oh no, I didn’t go through the 10-day Juice Fast again if that’s what you’re thinking. I made sure I wouldn’t have to go through that again in the past year. It wasn’t easy; all the food that I had to turn down and all the exercise routines I had to endure. But it was worth it.

My greatest insecurity was my weight. It wasn’t because people thought I was not at all attractive–or I could have been attractive had I been 10 kg lighter–it was because I thought I was unattractive and would never be good enough. Every year, losing weight was on the top of my New Year’s Resolution and every year, I fail. The more I tried, the more I got insecure. I get depressed, I overeat. It was a cycle that I wasn’t sure how to extract myself from. Or perhaps, being in that insecurity-bubble became my comfort zone after all these years. Getting out of it was harder than staying; during these times of wallowing in self-pity, that second helping of pasta and another fudge brownie, downed with vanilla milkshake didn’t really sound bad at all.

But I guess I got tired of just dreaming of the day that I get to be the ‘ideal’. I got tired of beating myself up for being bigger than most of the crowd. I got tired of blaming other people for criticizing me. It was time for change and change is what I was going to get–I wasn’t going to give up this time.

I was never one to take full-body shots. Happy to cover my tummy with my arm.

I was never one to take full-body shots. Happy to cover my tummy with my arm (2008, 2010, 2011, 2013)

Twelve months after and here I am, 18 kg down. Some people say that I look taller than my 5 foot 3-self; perhaps, it’s because I no longer slouch and hope to heavens, I was invisible. Now, I think I got all the confidence that I need. I never thought the day would come when I’d stopped hating what I see in the mirror but with hard work, determination, and most importantly, faith, I got results. 

Feb 2014

Feb 2014

Losing weight is a battle; you never really stop once you’ve achieved your ‘ideal’ weight. It actually marks the beginning of an even greater struggle in developing discipline and dedication to continue what you have started. You don’t really know if you’re going to succeed; if one day, you just literally throw in the towel, devour a dozen Krispy Kremes and just forget about the whole thing. It’s easier to give up, after all. And other people who think you’re hopeless are not exactly helping your cause either.

But sometimes, you only need one thing–person–to believe that you can do this. All you need is yourself.

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Desperately Searching For Something Real*

…I was number sixty-six.

Hah! It’s not really a secret, I’ve always wanted to be one ever since I realized how cool and influential VJs are [Exhibit A, Exhibit B, Exhibit C]. I grew up watching them, after all. I didn’t have the guts to audition years ago because of self-esteem issues but now that I’m almost at the finish line, I thought I owe it to myself to at least give it a shot. The whole experience itself is a good story to tell and I would definitely look back to the day I woke up at 5am, got dressed and decided to do my makeup in the bus. To my dismay, the bus was full, I had to stand for the whole 1 1/2 hour-drive to Kamias; from there, I hailed my very first cab-ride in the Metro. I’m a big girl now! I did my makeup while waiting for my turn and chatting with other aspirants. I really had an incredible day.

So how did I end up here? I submitted an entry online, got a callback and did this without shame. A lot of slips and slides but what the hey, I enjoyed every minute of it and hopefully, you will too.

Because this is how I am; I never give up. Not really sure if that’s a good thing but it makes me happy. Last dance, last chance, last shot at a dream. At least I got to do it. 🙂

If you have a dream, chase it. You’ve really got nothing to lose.

*Lyric excerpt from Real by Plumb, which I sang in this video HAH! Come on, it wasn’t that bad!

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An Open Letter to My Future Boyfriend

Hey there,

You know today is never complete without the obligatory mush-rant from single ladies out there. Come on, I really do think there’s more people out there suffering from unrequited love than those living a romance-novel-worthy kind of love affair. Or so I’d like to think. Cos there’s comfort in knowing I’m not alone being sucked in the vortex called Bitter.

There’s no easy way to say this so I’m just gon’ go and spit it out—WTF? Where the hell are you and what’s taking you so long that you can’t even bother introducing yourself to me?

I have been very patient. I have stayed optimistic that I will meet you ‘when I least expect it’, ‘when I’m not looking’, ‘when I think I’m not ready yet’. Oh yeah. I have heard all varieties of ‘darating din yan’ (rough trans: he’ll come along) ever since the day I realized that being a loner isn’t at all fun and sexy. It’s because I have to begin—oh I dunno—planning my life with somebody and take on this world knowing that I’m not in this thing on my own. Because you’re with me.

I’m not ranting. I’m merely emphasizing that it’s about time. I’m not getting any younger (two of my brothers were married at 25 and prior to that, they have been with their wives for like 8 years; all my friends, and I repeat ALL, are dancing around in duos now). I’m becoming a hollow piece of a human with no semblance of compassion and love reflected in my eyes.

I mistake every person I meet as you and I end up getting hurt and depressed and they—well, let’s just say they are also rooting for you so I’d stop harrassing them and that I’d shut up. My friends, too. My family. Everyone who have endured my stories of heartbreak just because you aren’t here yet.

Just so you know, I’m not hard to like. I’m not going to make your life miserable. I’m not going to ask you if I look fat in my clothes cos I very well know that I look good *wink wink*. I’m not going to interrupt your game-time/me-time/bro-time or whatever TIME you need because I respect your space; I won’t be needy/clingy/entitled (believe me, I learned my lesson the hard way). I’m not going to get in the way of your dreams and ambitions but instead encourage and support you in every way possible. I’m not going to take you for granted. 

I don’t expect grand gestures from you—they’re never going to be proof of one’s love or anything. I just need you. And I’m sick and tired of waiting because I might be just imagining that life with you. That I’m really not waiting for anything. That you’re never going to knock on my door and say hello and be like ‘how did I get so lucky.’ I guess even seeing you is asking for too much.

"..cos I la-la-la-love you--at least I think I do."

“..cos I la-la-la-love you–at least I think I do.”

I could so live without you, I mean that’s the case for me now, isn’t it? Only that I don’t want to. I refuse to. Because I believe, deep in my heart, that we both deserve more than what we are right now—wherever you are. We deserve a story worthy of a romance novel–even better–because what we have is supposed to be real. Unfortunately, these things are not entirely up to me.

Figure it out or do whatever it is you need to do. When you’re ready, come find me. And please hurry.

Love,

Your Future Girlfriend

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Filed under Letters To No One, Musings