Hi, my dear blog. It’s been a while!
I’d like to play catch up but I feel like it’s been ages since I last wrote here and a lot of things happened in my life already that I’m not sure where to begin. But perhaps, I can attack this like one of those movies that begins in the middle (or end) but provides flashbacks within the course of the film and breaks the fourth wall. That way, I would know when to (necessarily) reflect and skip on the parts that I want to just forget. LOL.
As you can read from the title, it’s called Field Notes [insert number] because the succeeding posts will be about my dissertation, the process, and my thoughts that will help me in my analysis, or so I hope. I am–thankfully and hopefully–on my last leg of PhD studies and because this is cruuuuunch time, I recently decided to buckle down (at the 11th hour, no less) and work on my dissertation with full force and focus. Easier said than done, but it’s not like I have other things going on my with life (okay, that sounds sad) but to work on my studies, maintain my fitness goals (yes, I am still on it!), and with a fearful but full heart, take on the challenges of life without regrets.
My posts are going to be sloppy, and a bit whiny, because let’s face it, I don’t think researchers are always on point and put together when they are out in the ‘field’. Some people, yes. But we’re talking about Me here. I’m the lethal combination of rational and emotional where I can be the no non-sense type one minute then totally anxious and hesitant the next. However, I do not consider that as a weakness. I think that just makes me more human—more in touch with my surroundings, more flexible with my choices, and more accepting that things do not always go the way I want them to. I’m okay with it, I think it took me time (and age!) to develop that kind of mindset (I just turned 30 y’all. T H I R T Y.) I do not want to limit my understanding of the world; and if that means being rational, critical, or emotional all at the same time, then so be it. Sometimes, the most genius of things can be found in the craziest of experiences as I’m a firm believer that there’s also order in chaos. Most of our scientists had their own bouts of insanity because they were curious, weren’t they?
The exciting part about being raw and real in writing field notes is the unfiltered and unbridled thoughts articulated that provide a different dimension during analysis. I am employing qualitative methods and approaches (quanti-researchers be like… *raises eyebrows*). This is my first grand attempt (I had little attempts because they were required submissions in my coursework haha), so I am not expecting a lot from myself (though I am pretty sure my academic advisory is. LOL) but I am doing the best that I can. I have been in school for 27 years (most of my contemporaries already have families, established careers, and embarking on different journeys). This dissertation is, perhaps, the most important thing in my life to date; all the sacrifices, all the hard choices, blood, sweat and tears culminate in this text. I must make sure that my 27 years is going to be worthy of a PhD. Just thinking about this is enough to trigger panic attacks but you know what, if there is one thing I learned from all the experiences and challenges, is that wallowing and crying are okay but make sure that after that phase, get up and fight for another day. And another, and another.
I am not the ‘cleanest’ writer out there, which is exactly what I am worried about in the process of writing my dissertation. I have a voice, yes, I have my own quirky structure. But that doesn’t always translate well in Academia and I kind of envy those who possess the power of writing in a very scholarly manner. But okay, one day at a time. I wish to focus on my blog first. The beauty of writing here–my own version of center in this infinite universe–is I am free to make sense of everything I see without being confined in the rules of being a ‘good writer’. This is my space and this is where my thoughts came about. They may be considered knowledge in its own right, am I right?
Alright, here we go. Wait, what am I really looking for?